Averie Grace

Born April 4, 2014. Died January 4, 2015.
Averie. Averie Grace. Averie Grace Boggs.
A name, but more than a name. So much more.
A beautiful soul given to us and taken too quickly.
Does the pain ever go away?
Does it ever ease?
I think of her and I cry.
Questions and more questions.
No answers and who knows if we will ever get any.
It doesn't get easier.
I know you are happier baby girl, in a better place, healthy, enjoying life.
We miss you!
We love you!

What happened?

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my childhood lately. Probably because I am about to bring a little girl into this world and I want her life to be as enjoyable as mine plus so much more. I used to be a very happy, bubbly person. I remember going to school and people asking me if I was ever upset because I am always so happy. I remember them saying that I was never in a bad mood. Now I feel like I am always in a bad mood. Something always has me upset. It is not a new thing, but I can't for the life of me pinpoint a time in my life when this changed. I had a good home life. My family has always supported me and loved me even when I probably didn't deserve it. And yet something changed in me where someones words will hurt me and ruin the rest of my day. Someone's actions will go too far and the rest of my week will reflect from that.
I think it was a gradual thing. I think it started happening with the people that I hung out with. It's not that they were bad people, but they were supposed to be my friends. They were supposed to lift me up when I was down and it seemed like they were tearing me down more than than lifting me up. All of them, they were in my youth group, and we were supposed to help each other, and yet every time I was with them I would leave feeling bad about myself because of things that they said or did to me. Maybe when that's when I decided, it's going to be more about me. Maybe that's why right now I feel like all I have is family to call friends. Maybe that is why I don't trust most people. Maybe that is why I avoid crowds and hate attention to be brought to me. Maybe that is why my heart is so caring and I hate to upset people, even if that means that I get hurt instead.
Why do we live in a time when we find it neccessary to hurt those around us in order to feel better about ourselves. Especially those that we are supposed to care about the most; those that we call "best friends." Maybe that's why I don't want a "best friend" anymore. Because all those that have carried that title have hurt me and let me down in a huge way.
So what happened to the happy, bubbly person? How do I get her back, especially before my little girl is gone? I want her to grow up in a positive happy environment. I don't want her to grow up and only remember an up happy momma.

as long as I don't have to do the work myself

  I use to think that I wanted to be a pastor. I want to help people change. Help them help their selves. But the more time I spent going to school to get to this goal. The more time that I had to spend in the church and going to meetings for school the more turned off I got. I sat through meetings where people were fighting about whether we bought wax candles or switched to oil candles. It didn't really matter, the lady that was buying them knew she wasn't going to be around forever. She wanted to buy something for the church that would last them years instead of weeks. She wanted to buy them a new set of oil candles, so she would know that they would continue to have the symbol of "the light of the Lord" in the church. And yet there people sat arguing that they still wanted wax candles. They had no reason as to why they wanted wax, "that's just what they have always had." And I sat through another meeting where they talked about how they wanted to get more people in the church. More young people. They wanted to have a pancake breakfast once a month. But no one wanted to help. They wanted the pastor to bring his griddle and make the pancakes, bacon, eggs, etc. They would get him all the food that he needed, but they didn't want to come in earlier to help. He was right there next door, it was easy for him to get up and get next door to the church. They wanted to have these people to come to church, but they weren't willing to get to church any sooner than they had to. How could they expect other people to want to come to church and participate when they did not want to? They were not participating, they were bodies there being served. When the church is about serving others! 
  So there I sat. Frustrated. People wanted to be fed, but they didn't want to feed. People wanted to be served, but they didn't want to serve. People waned people to come, but they didn't want to come. We live in a world where we want to be recognized as being the heroes, the helpers, the givers. But we aren't willing to put any effort into it unless we can just give money or food. But it cannot take away from our time! It is our time you want, forget it! I want to help people help their selves, but they don't want to help themselves. They want other people to do all the work for them! 
When did we get so lazy? When did we become a country, where we want to help more people that we never have to meet than those who are right next door to us? We will send all kinds of money to people that we will never have to listen to or encounter, but our neighbor needs our help and we shut our doors and act as if we don't hear their cries for help. We don't seem them struggle to make ends meat.
  My Gramme tells me about a time when someone needed help we helped them. We didn't expect them to pay us back. But we knew that if we needed the favor they would be there for us. Now we don't hear about that. I barely know what that is. People are greedy. They want to know what it is going to get them. How is it going to benefit them? What will they get paid or rewarded with? It makes my heart hurt to think that we cannot help someone without expecting to get something back. And if we know they can't give it to us then we expect someone else to see the "great thing" that we are doing and acknowledge us for that! What is wrong with this picture? Why are we so greedy?