I have been doing a lot of thinking about my childhood lately. Probably because I am about to bring a little girl into this world and I want her life to be as enjoyable as mine plus so much more. I used to be a very happy, bubbly person. I remember going to school and people asking me if I was ever upset because I am always so happy. I remember them saying that I was never in a bad mood. Now I feel like I am always in a bad mood. Something always has me upset. It is not a new thing, but I can't for the life of me pinpoint a time in my life when this changed. I had a good home life. My family has always supported me and loved me even when I probably didn't deserve it. And yet something changed in me where someones words will hurt me and ruin the rest of my day. Someone's actions will go too far and the rest of my week will reflect from that.
I think it was a gradual thing. I think it started happening with the people that I hung out with. It's not that they were bad people, but they were supposed to be my friends. They were supposed to lift me up when I was down and it seemed like they were tearing me down more than than lifting me up. All of them, they were in my youth group, and we were supposed to help each other, and yet every time I was with them I would leave feeling bad about myself because of things that they said or did to me. Maybe when that's when I decided, it's going to be more about me. Maybe that's why right now I feel like all I have is family to call friends. Maybe that is why I don't trust most people. Maybe that is why I avoid crowds and hate attention to be brought to me. Maybe that is why my heart is so caring and I hate to upset people, even if that means that I get hurt instead.
Why do we live in a time when we find it neccessary to hurt those around us in order to feel better about ourselves. Especially those that we are supposed to care about the most; those that we call "best friends." Maybe that's why I don't want a "best friend" anymore. Because all those that have carried that title have hurt me and let me down in a huge way.
So what happened to the happy, bubbly person? How do I get her back, especially before my little girl is gone? I want her to grow up in a positive happy environment. I don't want her to grow up and only remember an up happy momma.
